Swollen Bits & Other Things Your Midwife Didn't Tell You About Pregnancy

Veins Like Incredible Hulk & The 13 Other Weird Things Your Midwife Didn’t Tell You About Pregnancy

Congratulations! You’re pregnant. It’s a miracle, it really is!

If this is your first pregnancy, you’ll realise that your body does some very odd things whilst cocooning your baby for these long 40 weeks. These are some of the very normal, but damn strange things to welcome into your life.

  1. Crop tops will become your BFFs. Throw away your hot pink Victoria’s Secret bralet, and make way for a drawer full of XXXXL, non-wired, full support, infinitely stretchy crop tops. The sheer thought of an underwire anywhere near your growing ribcage will make you want to scream in fear.
  2. You’ll wretch at the thought of cleaning your teeth. Yeah, yeah, we all know it’s normal to have morning sickness. But, gagging at the sink every morning, desperately trying to preserve your fresh pearly whites from being coated in last night’s dinner is not the glowing start to the day you expected.
  3. Your shoes will no longer fit. What?! Yep. It’s not just your stomach that grows. And here’s a thing. They don’t shrink back after you give birth.
  4. Your skin will definitely not glow. In fact, the lumpy, bumpy, greasy, grey skin present during your first trimester will make you look exactly the opposite of the pregnant enchantress you envisaged.
  5. Your boobs will take residence resting on your stomach. Your belly will basically become a shelf for your heavy, sagging mammaries.
  6. Your skin will itch like you’re living in an ant’s nest. Pregnant? The itching will commence in 3, 2, 1. You’ll spend a lot of time trying to discreetly itch your nipples in public.
  7. Your calves and ankles merge. As well as your once dainty size 5 tootsies growing into size 12s, your ankles will become the size of a baby elephants.
  8. Your mum stinks. You won’t want to get too close to anyone, because in the first trimester everyone smells unwashed or like sausages.
  9. Your diet will consist of beige foods only. That’s what the prenatal vitamins are for – to make up for your awful diet of toast, milkshakes, chips and ice cream for 12 weeks straight.
  10. Climbing stairs will feel like climbing a mountain. Getting to the top of the stairs panting like a thirsty dog with your heart threatening to leave your chest will be your new normal.
  11. Your veins will look like Incredible Hulk’s. The twenty blue veins to every square inch of your skin are attractive, honest.
  12. You will become the definition of clumsiness and forgetfulness. Get ready to welcome moments like ‘oops, I’ve knocked my drink over’, ‘oops, I’ve forgotten my purse’ and ‘where did I put my glasses?’ into your life.
  13. Strange hair growth. You’ll find a three inch long, thick black hair growing out of your neck.
  14. Swollen bits. Yup, down there. Enough said.

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